Finding Our Real Values
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When asked what your highest values are, how do you respond? I remember a time when I couldn’t answer because I really didn’t know.
I’ve never felt right about this question in the context it is usually presented. Intuitively there is something wrong with the way we, as a society, view the concept of values.
In fact most people will give you a cookie-cutter list of warm and fuzzy ideals they claim are thier values. They’ll say things like “family, god, love, morality, hard work” and so forth.
And there is a highly perverse notion that values are implied on a large scale. In other words, the idea exists that everyone has the same “obvious” values and to deviate from this collective thread is wrong or evil. Many of us also try to adopt the values of our parents and family; thinking we are doing the “right thing” we try to fit our life experiences and our real feelings into the context our loved ones might approve of.
Psychologists refer to this kind of forced or shared value system as obligatory values. It’s a real problem many of us face on our journey toward purpose and enlightenment.
But true happiness and the ability to have a real impact on the greater good come only after we stop trying to adopt values that are not our own. Until we identify with our own real values we are not fully embracing the gift of life.
I believe one of the core purposes of the life experience is to use life as a vehicle for expressing our highest values. This is what makes life fun, meaningful, and worthwhile.
Ask yourself the questions: Who am I and what do I want?
Don’t worry about the answer, just ask yourself this question several times each day, especially before or after meditation or exercise sessions. Eventually you’ll start answering.
Your initial answers will likely be somewhat contrived. But when you feel moved to really get to the bottom of who you are and what you want, you’ll sit down with yourself for a good long conversation on the matter.
Spend an hour asking yourself “What do you want?” and really involve yourself in the answers. After a while you’ll start being honest about what you want, and what you really care about.
The odds are, you won’t find out you’re an awful person. Maybe you don’t feel the burning need to spend loads of time with your extended family, or perhaps being on time and dressing neatly are not as important to you as you’ve been letting on. Whatever you discover about yourself you need to REJOICE because the real you is beginning to emerge!
You’ll find this experience most exhilerating once you get rolling. Being honest with yourself is so refreshing, and it’s shocking to discover you’ve been trying to lie to yourself for a good portion of your life.
Naturally, most people can’t actually go through with this exercise. We live in a society where people foolishly believe it’s a sign of weakness to engage in a journey of self-discovery and improvement. But I assure you that we all lie to ourselves on some level, and nearly all of us are trying to live out a value system that is not entirely our own.
When you shrug off your obligatory values and get to the root of what you really care about, life changes in a big way. Your days are filled with a sense of excitement that simply was not present before, and you begin to see possibilities that were previously invisible to you.
I’ll give you an inside look at my own discovery of true personal values. I hope this helps you get in touch with some of the things that are inside you, looking for a way to surface.
After spending a solid month observing my thoughts and feelings, and really trying to find what I wanted for the future, I had a major breakthrough. It suddenly occured to me that I had been living a false value system – or trying to at least.
And since the values I was attempting to express were not my own, of course I was floundering. To make matters worse I was berating myself for not “living up” to these half-hearted ideals.
To be more specific: For years I had struggled with the fact that I don’t spend a lot of time with my extended family. I love these people and I’ve always enjoyed the time spent with them, even if it’s only a few visits per year. But I often told myself I needed to set time aside each week to be with my family, and of course my mother was always available with a fresh guilt trip to help encourage me.
But it suddenly became clear to me. While I love my family what I truly value even more than spending time with them is personal freedom, alone time, and deep introspection. I wasn’t a bad person for not visiting my grandparents, aunts, and uncles every week!
I am who I am and my heart moves me to spend long hours in reflection and to leave my days free from obligation so I can spend them however I please. I thrive on spending the majority of my time alone in thought or doing the solo activities I am passionate about.
My highest value is personal freedom of thought and time. Also among my top values are creativity, thinking, safety, abundance, and indivduality.
I felt as if a huge burden had been tossed aside. No longer did I need to pretend to feel badly for not being a highly social part of my family. I simply explained my revelation to my mother and left it at that.
She might not approve. Other members of my family may not appreciate or understand where I’m coming from but that’s not what’s important.
What is important is this: I’m living out my highest values and I’m truly enjoying the process. I’m not trying to harm anyone else or take anything from another person and there is no place whatsoever for guilt or regret in this scenario.
… That was an extremely personal bit to post on one of my public blogs. But I did so with sincere hope that it will help at least a few readers draw the distinction between forced values – what other people tell you is important to you – and your real, intimate values – the things you honestly hold most dear in your own heart.
Obviously you care about things like being loved, making a living, and being good to other people. But these may or may not be your highest personal values and that’s fine!
Don’t let other people in their ignorance intimidate you into trying to live out values that are not right for you. You are not a bad person if you discover you don’t care much about having a brand new car, or if it becomes clear that you really don’t want to have children after all.
This is your life. You are the one that has to stay plugged into to your body, mind, and related experiences for the duration of your time on this planet. therefore what matters most is that you are happy with how you spend your time and with how you assign value to the things in your world.
Tags: core values, living by your values, obligatory values, values system
Ronnie Nijmeh Says:
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:15 am
It’s true that we need to completely understand and solidify our own values before we can defend them. I really identify with you!!
Thanks,
Ronnie
Personal Growth Development
Sheryl Says:
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:18 am
This is so true and something I have battled most of my life. Trying to always please everyone else and not doing what it is that I want and that I value.
Jeff Says:
October 29th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Valuable pursuit: identifying your core values. Especially separate from those who raised you. There are a lot of parent-child models in our social structures. The employee-employer relationship, the teacher-student relationship, the clergy/church-parishioner relationship all involve disseminating values. Some aspect of this is necessary. In order to relate well to a collective, you need to adopt their values. Some aspect is confining-we all need to leave home eventually and build our own families and value systems.
While it’s true of our actual family dynamic, this parental metaphor goes a little too far in our social structures. For instance, how old do you have to be before you decide the nature of god for yourself and what that relationship looks like? Too much of religion fails to prepare their parishioners for spiritual adulthood.
Wendy Sharpe Says:
June 13th, 2009 at 4:59 am
I have known for a long time that my life has been governed by the expectations of others – parents, teachers, bosses. Today I asked for guidance, and you have provided it. I am deeply grateful. I believe some of my highest values coincide with yours. Freedom to be alone and discover my true self. I am now happily retired, so can devote myself to learning and growing. Today I came to the realisation that I have never felt love; I have only ever felt controlled.
Tope Says:
July 8th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
thanks this article has answered a long awaiting question in my mind more power to your elbow
David Says:
July 9th, 2009 at 3:11 am
Finding ones moral compass is difficult. When you talk about values you are really talking about morals. Let me exaggerate here to show my point, lets say my value I’ve decided is to use a rifle and take out innocent children. Ask yourself what would you think of me and my values? Would you not say a heinous human being, not worthy to breath air? Another value most find repugnant is that which a drug addict has, his value is seeking the next and better high. But anyone of good morals knows those things are wrong. But why are those values wrong? We all know to harm another is not a good value for none of us truly wish to be harmed. We all know that to seek only for oneself the next high will only lead one unto the depths of depression. All our values must first past the sound moral test before it can be a value which is lasting and benificial to us. What is the sound moral test, one may ask? I have an answer, One must never do anything which he wouldn’t want done to him. Jesus Christ used a simular statement, ” Do unto other as you would have them do unto you” It is commonly know as the Golden Rule. It is the underlying moral principal found in all the major religions of mankind. Would you want your brother or sister to ignore you? Would you want your son or daughter to ignore you? If you were hungry would you want someone to feed you? If you tell a lie would you want someone to belive it? If you steal from someone would you want someone to steal from you? If you had a lover, would you want someone to intice him away from you? Whatever you do, it will come back to you. All your values must be predicated upon the moral compass, and pass the sound moral test, then its a value that you will be happy with.
Aaron Says:
July 9th, 2009 at 11:00 am
David thanks for sharing but your post is actually a good example of what my article outlines as a problem. You have just indicated what *you* believe is the basis for other people deciding their own values systems.
Your formula for defining a value is nice, I admit, but it’s YOURS and not necessarily right for other readers. I agree with you that treating others in a manner that I wish to be treated is a good foundation for living, but I don’t believe even this is a universal point that everyone should use in defining their values.
I allow people of any faith to post on my blog without interference. But I felt compelled to respond to your entry because it suggests that the philosophy of Jesus Christ is right for everyone, when indeed this is not the case.
Thanks for sharing, and please do so again. I won’t necessarily comment every time as I like to let readers have “the last word”, so to speak; but the nature of this article and of your comment required me to add a note of my own.
Finding Your Life Purpose | Life Purpose | Spiritual Enlightenment Says:
August 5th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
[...] The first step is to find your true values. [...]
Rosa Muziotti Says:
December 17th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Thanks Aaron. I feel better now because I realized that there are many family and religious values that are different from my own values.
I now understand the true meaning of “be myself”
Amanda Says:
December 18th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Dear Aaron and David
I love both of your posts. For me you are both right, the ultimate that we all aim for surely is freedom and to be more specific freedom of thought. I have to come to realise that Jesus Christ’s teaching were a true expression of this, as I have become more free myself I see the beauty and truth of his teaching. God/life/the ultimate reality allows all things but there are consequences to thinking, behaviour and actions – the universe seems to have been created that way – it is pointless to deny this when we see that it is true.jesus was only pointing out the how for us all. You hold resentment in you, you create it in your life, you hold hate within you and hate will be manifested in your world. Examination of our beliefs and values is the ultimate gift of love for ourselves and the world.
SB Says:
December 18th, 2009 at 5:40 am
I have known for a long time that my life has been governed by the expectations of others – parents, siblings, friends, teachers and bosses. My life has been based on a constant external approvals of what is right and what is wrong. Though I have always tried to rebel against those but I could not feel that inner peace and always found myself disturbed. But now I feel myself more strong and mature to stand by my values. I believe some of my highest values coincide with yours. Freedom to be alone, thinking and discover my true self.
Today I asked for guidance, and you have provided it. I am deeply grateful. Thanks for your post sharing your values.
Greg Says:
December 24th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Wonderful words, I’m not going to bookmark this page (I’ll attract it if I need it =), but I know it’s one of the texts I needed to read, I discovered what you’ve written about years ago, but was never able to put it into words like that! Thank you for clearing up my thoughts and solidifying my beliefs!!!
With love,
Greg